Deciding to go to therapy can be a big step, especially when it comes to working on your
relationship. If you’ve found yourself considering couples therapy, you’ve probably come across
the Gottman Method—a research-backed approach that’s all about making relationships work
better. But what exactly can you expect if you and your partner decide to dive into therapy with a Gottman-trained therapist? Let’s walk through what this experience might look like, and why it could be a turning point for your relationship.
What Is the Gottman Method Anyway?
Before jumping into the nitty-gritty of what therapy sessions are like, it helps to know a bit about the Gottman Method itself. This approach is the love child of Drs.Julie and John Gottman, who have spent over four decades studying what makes relationships thrive—and what makes them fall apart. What makes this method stand out? It’s all about evidence-based strategies. That means everything you’ll do in therapy, and the skills you’ll take home with you have been proven to work for real couples facing real issues because they were inspired by those exact real couples.
What’s a Therapy Session Like?
Now that you’ve got a handle on the big ideas behind the Gottman Method, let’s talk about what
actually happens when you sit down with a Gottman-trained therapist.
1. The Initial Assessment:
Your first few sessions are all about getting the lay of the land. You’ll have joint sessions where
you and your partner talk about your relationship together, followed by individual sessions
where you can share your thoughts and feelings about your relationship and your life history, on
your own.
Here’s what that looks like:
- Intake Interview: Think of this as storytelling time. You’ll share how you met, the key
moments in your relationship, and what you think your biggest strengths and challenges are.
- Questionnaires: You will complete the Gottman Relationship Checkup—a comprehensive
questionnaire that covers everything from intimacy to conflict to trust. This can take anywhere
from 45 minutes to 2 hours, so be prepared. You are allowed to go in and out of the
assessment, so take breaks if needed. This is also an additional $39 charge/couple, however,
this saves us about 3-4 sessions together.
- Individual Sessions: These one-on-one sessions give you a chance to voice any personal
concerns or insights that might not have come up during the joint intake session.
2. The Feedback Session:
After the assessment, your therapist will gather everything they’ve learned and share it with you in a feedback session. You’ll get a clear picture of your relationship’s strengths and areas that need a little extra TLC. The therapist will also outline a customized plan for your therapy going forward.
3. Ongoing Therapy Sessions:
Once the assessment is out of the way, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. Each
session will be structured to tackle specific issues, whether it’s communication hiccups,
recurring conflicts, or just finding more ways to connect.
Here’s what you’ll be doing:
- Skill Building: Your therapist will guide you through exercises that improve how you
communicate, empathize, and handle conflicts. You’ll practice these skills during your sessions
and at home.
- Conflict Management: If arguments are a recurring theme, your therapist will help you
break down what’s really going on and how to handle disagreements without things getting out
of hand.
- Strengthening the Relationship: Beyond just fixing problems, you’ll also focus on the
positives—building up those rituals of connection, fostering appreciation, and keeping the love
Alive.
- Homework Assignments: Yep, there’s homework! But don’t worry, it’s the kind that helps
your relationship grow. You might get tasks like communication exercises or journaling that
reinforce what you’ve learned in therapy.
4. The Sound Relationship House:
The Gottman Method uses the Sound Relationship House as a metaphor for a strong, healthy
relationship. Each floor represents a different element—like trust, commitment, and shared
meaning. Your therapist will help you reinforce each part of the house to make sure your
relationship is solid from the ground up.
The Floors of the SRH:
1. Building Love Maps: Think of this as creating a mental map of your partner’s inner world.
Knowing their dreams, fears, and favorite things helps you stay connected on a deeper level.
2. Nurturing Fondness and Admiration: Ever notice how easy it is to get caught up in the
negatives? This principle is all about flipping the script and focusing on what you love and
admire about each other.
3. Turning Towards Instead of Away: Relationships are full of little moments where your
partner reaches out—maybe with a joke, a smile, or even a sigh. Your Gottman-trained therapist teaches you to turn towards these moments, strengthening your connection.
4. The Positive Perspective: Maintaining a positive outlook, especially during tough times,
helps you navigate conflicts more smoothly.
5. Managing Conflict: Let’s face it—every couple argues, and the key word here is
“managing” not “erasing” conflict. The Gottman Method doesn’t promise to eliminate conflicts
but shows you how to handle them in a way that’s constructive rather than destructive.
6. Making Life Dreams Come True: It’s not just about resolving day-to-day issues; it’s also
about supporting each other’s dreams and goals.
7. Creating Shared Meaning: Every relationship needs a sense of purpose and shared
values. This principle is about creating rituals and goals that reflect what you both stand for as a couple.
5. Regular Check-Ins:
Throughout therapy, your therapist will check in to see how things are going. Are you making
progress? Are there new issues to tackle? These regular updates help keep the therapy
focused and effective.
Exciting Skills You’ll Learn
The Gottman Method isn’t just about talking—it’s packed with practical techniques that you can
start using right away. Here are some of the standout strategies you’ll likely come across:
1. The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes:
The “Four Horsemen” is Gottman’s nefarious term for communication styles that spell trouble for
any relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. But don’t worry—there
are antidotes to each one:
- Criticism’s Antidote: Gentle Start-Up: Instead of launching into what your partner did wrong,
start by gently expressing your feelings and needs.
- Contempt’s Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation: Combat contempt by making a habit
of acknowledging and appreciating your partner’s positive traits.
- Defensiveness’s Antidote: Take Responsibility: Instead of getting defensive, own your part
in the issue and be open to working on it.
- Stonewalling’s Antidote: Self-Soothing: When you feel overwhelmed and start to shut
down, take a break and use calming techniques before continuing the conversation.
2. The Stress-Reducing Conversation:
Life is stressful, and sometimes that stress seeps into your relationship. The stress-reducing
conversation is a daily check-in where you talk about what’s stressing you out—not to fix it, but
just to support each other. It’s a great way to stay emotionally connected.
3. The Art of Compromise:
Let’s face it—no relationship is without its compromises. But a Gottman trained therapist
teaches you how to compromise in a way that feels good for both partners. It’s about identifying your core needs, being flexible where you can, and finding solutions that work for both of you.
4. Rituals of Connection:
These are the little things that keep your relationship strong. Maybe it’s a morning coffee
together, a weekly date night, or a special way you greet each other at the end of the day. Your therapist will help you create and maintain these rituals so they become a natural part of your relationship.
5. Love Maps Exercises:
Deepening your connection means really getting to know each other on a deeper level. Love
Maps exercises are designed to help you do just that. You’ll learn to ask open-ended questions,
share your inner thoughts, and listen actively to your partner, all of which build a stronger
emotional bond.
What’s the End Game?
So, what can you expect to get out of therapy with a Gottman-trained therapist? Here’s what
many couples find after completing therapy:
1. Better Communication:
Right out of the gate, you’ll probably notice an improvement in how you and your partner talk to
each other. You’ll learn how to express your needs clearly and listen to each other in a way that
fosters understanding.
2. Healthier Conflict Management:
No more blow-ups or silent treatments—well, at least not as often! You’ll learn how to navigate
conflicts in a way that’s respectful and productive, without letting them spiral out of control.
3. Deeper Intimacy:
As you work on things like building love maps and nurturing fondness, you’ll likely find that your
emotional and physical intimacy deepens. It’s about feeling more connected and closer to your
partner than ever before.
4. Greater Relationship Satisfaction:
At the end of the day, therapy with a Gottman trained therapist is designed to help you feel more satisfied in your relationship. By focusing on both what’s working and what needs some work, you’re setting yourself up for a more balanced, fulfilling partnership.
5. A Toolkit for the Future:
One of the best things about the Gottman Method is that it gives you tools you can use long
after therapy ends. Whether it’s managing stress, tackling new conflicts, or just staying
connected, you’ll have a solid foundation to build on as life throws new challenges your way.
It’s all about giving you and your partner the tools and insights you need to build a stronger,
happier relationship. From understanding each other better to managing conflicts more
effectively, therapy with a Gottman-trained therapist is designed to help your relationship thrive.So, if you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level, couples therapy with a Gottman trained therapist might just be the perfect fit.
Interested in exploring Gottman Therapy and taking the next step? Get in touch with the Beacon Psychotherapy team today to learn more or Request Your Therapy Appointment online today.
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